Scandal: Should I Stay If He Strays

If you’re like me and the rest of America, you’re probably hooked on ABC’s Scandal.  Kerry Washington is such a dynamic woman both on screen and in real life, which is why we gasp when her character, Olivia Pope, is in trouble and cheer when she is victorious in helping her clients.  When it comes to Ms. Pope’s private affairs, we somehow seem to side with her as well, clutching our blankets when she and Fitz are face to face and secretly hoping they can make time for a quickie before “Mrs. Fitz” arrives.  I must admit, like you, I applaud this raunchy behavior (shame on me).  But shouldn’t we find it contrary that we despise cheating in real life, yet secretly hope for Olivia Pope and Fitz to be together on television?  I suppose it’s because we view Olivia being a “better candidate” for the President.  After all, we have formed this alliance with Ms. Pope that naturally encourages us to favor her, right? Or perhaps we merely enjoy the 15-second adrenaline rush it gives us to see them strip and push one another against the walls of the White House.. scandalous!  Is this reason enough for us to abandon our ideals of marriage and discard our beliefs in taking vows? This led me to think, is there ever a reason for a married man or woman to cheat?  Ha!  Of course not, too easy right!  But furthermore, is there ever a reason for one to stay with a cheater like Mellie “Mrs. Fitz” Grant has done?

Now I know some of you are wondering how in the world I could even ask such a thing, but this is an honest question; is there EVER a reason for one to stay once their spouse has strayed (I rhymed)? 

You’ll probably be surprised to hear my response, but here it is… in short, yes. Give me a second to explain.  There are so many layers to a relationship and although infidelity is wrong, people have far bigger issues than what appears on the surface.  Yes, cheating is wrong and a sin might a mind you, but we are human and as humans we sometimes make mistakes.  We are sometimes weak and we sometimes mess up especially when you throw issues in the mix like intimacy, children, finances, and plain ol’ contentment a.k.a. laziness.  People fall off the bandwagon and usually there’s some random ass Olivia Pope waiting in the wing. 

My best piece of advice actually comes from Actors Tisha Campbell- Martin and Duane Martin.  I recently saw an interview with them and they explained how they have stayed together over 17 years.  According to the Martins, you must first take time for yourself as husband and wife, because if you aren’t happy, no one is.  Now I’ll toast to that!

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Dibs, I Saw Him First

Yesterday I was online when I came across a debate about women calling "first dibs" on men. The consensus seemed to be that if friends meet or see a man, the first one to admire him had full reign of him. Really? I have a very strong opinion about this and it seems to be quite different from the masses.

While reading through the discussion, I realized that women were actually agreeing that men were off limits to a friend if she merely said that the guy was "hot" first. HUH?! *scratches my head* Let me get this straight, so if I see, or speak to a guy and find him attractive, and this same man finds me attractive, we (he & I) cannot talk to one another because my friend said he was attractive before I did? Wooaah Nelly! That is absurd!

Let me explain something to anyone who thinks for one second that this nonsense is ok. In life, you win some and you lose some! It is not up to you to hinder the union of two other people because you are selfish or insecure that they will find love or happiness before you, or because you feel that guy would look better with you, or whatever your reason may be. If this principle was to hold up, how many people would be off limits due to someone else finding them attractive? Think about it this way, if you saw two men at the mall and one walked up to you, but you were totally eyeing his friend, would it be alright for this guy to call dibs on you simply because he approached you first? Heck no! The audacity of some people to EVER think this was acceptable.

I am wondering if I am the only one who has a different view on how life and love goes because after reading the comments, I was shocked. I would never expect a friend of mine to not pursue a man interested in her simply because I think he is cute. What does cute, sexy or attractive have to do with it? If nothing has happened between us, why would I want someone who clearly has no interest in me? Seems extremely self-centered. And if you are in this situation now, I hope that you step back and evaluate your friendship because a true friend would want the best for her girl... that means not cock-blocking (excuse my language).

Please let me know your opinions on this.

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Boris Kodjoe & Nicole Ari Parker Talks Marriage (VIDEO)

Contrary to some of my previous post about dating potential, Boris Kodjoe tells us to date the person in front of us, NOT the potential. Of course I had to watch the interview posted on Essence.com to better understand this perspective, but I must say, I concur. Don't try to change anyone, we are who we are. Watch this interview done with Nicole Ari Parker and Boris Kodjoe on marriage and "making it work."



How cute are they?! Guys, you better take note.. Boris just gave you the winning formula, pay attention! And ladies, Nicole basically told us to lighten up and spend our time doing the things that count, like cooking... no one cares if his boxers are neatly pressed and folded. Stop it! "Keep it simple!"

AHG wishes Nicole and Boris much love and happiness in the years to come. Keep us unmarried folk informed too!

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Love Me the Way I Need to Be Loved

Last night I was cozied up on the couch, trying to combat the brisk cold air, when the front door swung open and in came a friend. While I tucked my bare legs under the fleece blanket, the door shut and the conversation began!

Me being me, I could not help but to jump into the mix and add my 2 cents. It was guys talk, but what is guys talk without a little female input?! The guys were discussing the proper protocol (if you will) of your love interest taking the time to meet your family for the first time, which lead into another discussion about learning to adapt to another's personality. The issue at hand was irrelevant at that point, at least to me, because I simply wanted to make this point; while certain things are right and wrong in a relationship, hence, my friend was right to want his girl to take the time out to meet his parents and family, but everyone is different in how they appraoch such a situation. In this case, my friend's girl is timid and perhaps needed someone to "hold her hand" a bit. Take it from someone who isn't so timid, but yet understands those who are... you have to be there for people in the way they need you to be there for them.

Do you follow?

I am simply saying that in life we all have our ideals of how we want to be treated, what we should do, say, or portray. However, it is wrong to impose those same ideals on someone else. Simply because you did it doesn't automatically mean that "so should I!" In relationships of any sort, we have to learn to love and care for people the way THEY need to be loved. That goes for father to son, uncle to niece or lover to lover. To truly love someone, you have to love them for who they are and not who you think they should be.

My advice to my friend, "hold her hand," or in other words, work with her!

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You’re Out of Your “Beauty” League

You know how it is when you log onto Facebook and you have those bright red alerts at the top of your screen. Usually there is a bunch of junk in your inbox and notifications, but on this particular day I had something a bit more intriguing. It was a request for AskHeatherG, and boy what a request it was. The FB message was from a woman who is dating a guy who she feels is uber attractive, and while she is attractive as well, she went on to explain that she lacks “assets” that his previous partners had. The message gave me little background on her situation, but propositioned me to shed light on a topic that no one really talks about, but everyone notices. That topic: How do you handle dating someone out of your “physical beauty league?”

My immediate thought was, “that’s insecurity,” but I refuse to answer a question with little thought behind it and so I closed my eyes and gave consideration to the circumstances presented to me. After thinking about it, I realized that, yes; it is true that obviously some people are more esthetically out of our league. Take Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones, for example, but I think the things that attract many people to one another are the other assets they bring to the table. Let’s be honest, while big boobs and a round tush looks good, it cannot compete with the stimulation a brilliant mind poses over the years, “mind sex!” Besides, there will come a time when we all fall short in the beauty department and then what? So I say that if you’re dating “up,” know that there is something that he/she feels is precious about you. There is a reason he isn’t dating store bought booties anymore. Now that surely isn’t to say that all women with breast augmentations, butt implants, and nose jobs are dummies, but in this case I believe our guy was looking for the wrong things until he found you and that is why you are on his arm, natural body and all!

My advice to my fellow Facebook friend; while I am sure that you may feel a little out of your league, I’d bet money that he feels that you’re out of his! It is up to you to show him.

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Opposites Attract: Finding Your South

I have always imagined that I would grow up, have a nice condo (because a house just seemed like too much responsibility to a free soul like me), and eventually marry a man much like myself. But as life is playing out, I realize that while similarities are important, oppositions are necessary too. In fact, it is the very thing that attracts a tight bond. Think about a magnet, north repels north, but attracts south, and don’t we all want our south?

In life we need to experience… well… life! If you are so comfortable and content with someone, while that sounds great at first, in the long haul it poses no variation, no excitement. You need to take life by the balls and do the things that makes you feel a little uncomfortable, try new things, spice it up. Chances are your perfect partner could be the very person that frightens you the most, I say go for it! If your past relationships have been a slew of disappointment, heartbreak, and average dealings, do yourself a favor; find out how the other half is living. Your opposite is likely the very person that will help balance you out. Me myself, I am light hearted and as free spirited as they come, so sometimes I need my opposite to bring me down a notch. He appreciates the spontaneous jokes and laughter that are certain to come out of my mouth at any given time. It just works.

So think about this: It is easy to do what you are used to doing with whom you are comfortable doing it with. It is effortless to take the same road you’ve always traveled, talk about the same pointless TV shows, and eat at the same local restaurants; but if all your life ends up to be is predictable, will you look back in 30 years and say, “I lived life, it was so worth it.” Probably not! Find your south!

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The Code of Conduct for "Stay Over" Lovers

I was listening to the Kane Show yesterday morning and heard an interesting topic; The Code of Conduct for Stay Over Lovers. I thought it was interesting and decided to give my 2 cents, because, well… that’s what I do!

Over the years, more people are moving away from traditional relationships and opting for friends with benefits, if you will. If that is the case, the question is raised; what is the code of conduct for you as a stay over lover? For instance, do you have the grounds to say anything about how the house functions, its cleanliness, or how loud the neighbors are? Hmmm. Let’s explore some of the concerns of stay over lovers:

1. Are you entitled to a dresser drawer? No. That only comes with wifey or hubby status.

2. Can you use the DVR? Sure, you can use it, but do NOT delete anything. It may be ok to record a program if you are over so much that you are missing your television shows, but don’t tamper with the existing ones. That’s grounds for dismissal. LOL

3. Can you put your things in their laundry? Absolutely not. You may be stretching it to even use their washing machine. If you are merely a “friend” with benefits, there is no need to remotely move yourself in.

4. Can you dictate where their pets sleep? I’d say no, UNLESS the dog or cat is trying to sleep in the bed WITH you. Then you have the right to say, “Hell no!”

5. Can you complain about home décor (how to couch looks, the way the pictures are hung)? Again, this is something that a girlfriend or boyfriend would more so address. You can certainly say something, but it is no guarantee that a thing will change. Sorry, you’re just not that important.

6. Can you have a toothbrush in their bathroom? A toothbrush, maybe. All your other crap… absolutely not. Your lover will know you are trying to mark your territory and that totally defeats the benefits of having a carefree relationship. *tisk tisk*

7. Can I stay the night? Since you are actually a “friend,” I’d argue that actually staying the entire night is ok because you are a bit more than a booty call, but don’t wear out your welcome. Make sure you’re not lingering too long once the alarm sounds.

If these answers seem harsh to you, perhaps you should reconsider what it is you really want out of your “friend.” A true friend with benefits have very little or no rights over her lover and his/ her possessions. You are only entitled to have sex and go, simple as that. Know your place!

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The 80/20 Rule

Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married,” brought awareness to the 80/20 Rule, but it has always been around. Have you ever really thought about it yourself? With so many marriages ending in divorce nowadays, it has become a habit of mine to investigate the causes, so I explored the 80/20 Rule. I am not married yet, but in my perfect little world, I will only be walking down the aisle once. What about you?

For those who do not know about the 80/20 Rule, let me give you a brief education. The 80/20 Rule is a way that some analyze relationships. The 80 represents the 80% of respect, loyalty, excitement, necessities, etc., that we get in a healthy relationship. The 20, however, is the 20% we feel is missing. Usually, when you find a good partner and commit to a healthy relationship, he or she will have at least 80% of what you want and need. On the other hand, the things that are missing (the 20%), the sexy 6 pack abs, the sexy high heel collection, the freaky pillow talk, for example, are sometimes missing in our relationships, but possessed by other individuals. In my opinion this gives partners a false sense of wholeness from another man or woman outside of your relationship, which is why it can and does lead to cheating, in some cases. People are beyond misled by the appeal and newness of the next person and deluded to believe that “Ms. New Booty” has it ALL simply because she can fill a void at the moment that you are feeling vulnerable.

Why?

It is simple, we are programmed (or spoiled I should say), to have our way and get the things we want, need, and desire whenever we so choose. When two people come together in a relationship, you have to understand that sometimes those requirements are compromised due to the consideration of your partner. It is the “selfish person” that always wants what he or she doesn’t have; they taint the formula and infidelity is introduced into the relationship. Now understand that infidelity is not limited to sex, it can be inappropriate flirting, emotional stimulation, as well as sexual encounters. Whatever the degree of cheating, the point is, the 20% is found elsewhere. But as the saying goes, “all that glitters ain’t gold!” Sure that woman looks good, but does she know how to run a company like your wife, or cook like your girlfriend, or make you smile like your husband? Is that man at the gym worth the trouble of you losing your relationship because you wanted a back rub? Think about it.

While you’re sitting beside your “80” tonight, be thankful for them. Think of ways to make that “80,” a “100.” Don’t forget to look at yourself, because we can all stand to improve in some area of our life. Keep reading AskHeatherG, I’ll upgrade you!

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Where Did She Go?

Have you ever gone out with a girl, not expecting much, but finding so much more? You thought, “It’s just something to do,” but by the time the date is nearing an end, you find yourself holding on to every last second? I know men rarely like to express their feelings, but let’s be honest; there has been someone who gave you those butterflies before. But sometimes, things take a turn and leave you wondering, "What happened after date four that caused her to vanish into thin air?" Here are some viable reasons:

She’s met someone better. I hate to say it, but although you maybe someone’s prince charming, you may not have been hers. She’s moved on, so should you.

You moved way too fast. You are headed for the panties much too soon and that is a complete turn off. If you value the woman you are dating and can see it going further, take care of your needs elsewhere and preserve her for the next phase of your relationship. You’ll have plenty of time for that.

You took too long to give any signs of interest. Yes, some men are guilty of this too. We understand that you may want to "feel things out" and "take things slow," but if you shut us out too much, we’re left to believe, “he’s just not that into me.”

You’re Boring as Hell. It is very possible you may not even realize it, but bruh… You. Are. Boring! If she’s constantly yawning or making excuses to leave you, you’re probably draining the life out of her. On the bright side, if she has stuck around long enough to see dates four or five, she probably saw potential in you so if you get another chance, spice things up and get a personality!

Guys, has this ever happened to you?

Ladies, tell me some reasons you have gone AWOL.

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The Prince & the Pauper

Hey you… yea you! Are you still holding on to that 50 point checklist? I you know some of us have that ridiculous list that we use a guideline to determine what we want from a man: how he should look, what he should say, and the figure that should be on his W-2’s every year. But have you ever considered that you’re expecting too much? I will be the first one to say, set a high standard because women, WE ARE special, but have you ever asked yourself, “Am I being reasonable?”

Let’s analyze this.

Say it is a Thursday night. You get dolled up and head over to the lounge you frequent on most weekends. Tonight you spot a hottie at the bar and decide to give him a little eye action… yes, I said “eye action,” you know, cutting your eye flirtatiously while luring him in with your body language. He finally comes over and to your surprise, the evening goes extremely well. You’re feeling him at this point, but once you start dating him over the next couple weeks, you figure out that, while he is financially OK, it is not to the degree you pictured your man to be. So you have to make a decision as to whether you’re going to look at the glass half empty or half full.

Let us understand something though! Simply because you find a man with the financial backing, does not mean you have a full glass. Nearly everyone comes with some glitch, baggage, or BS, but it is up to you to decide what you are willing to accept; which leads me to ask, is it fair to dismiss potential?

I say, take a look at you! Have you ever thought that perhaps you aren’t to a man’s standard, his “checklist?” Sure you look good, smell sweet, and hang a dress like nobody’s business, but is that enough? What do you have to bring to the table? I will be the first to say that I think every man should be able to take care of his home. Financials are beyond important, and while I always want to have my own, I DO believe a man should have it covered should I need to be immobile due to let’s say…. maternity leave (I’m just saying). But… does that mean you offer nothing in return? Can you cook, do you clean, are you able to help your future children with their homework, can you pay a bill if need be, are you smart enough to stimulate his mind, do you make it easy for him to make a salary worthy of your approval? Now think about that before you pass on your next potential Prince! Remember, a Prince in training will someday be King!

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Christina Milian minus The Dream

For those of you that have not heard, the split between Christina Milian and The Dream has been confirmed. It seems like only yesterday they were dating. When love goes bad, what do you do? In the case of Christina and The Dream, they have a baby so I hope that everything remains peaceful for the child’s sake, but I must say, I was not a huge believer in this union from Day 1. Just my insight and observations, but hey! I wish both of them the best.

It seems that nowadays that maintaining a healthy and happy relationship is harder than hitching a ride to the moon, I’m just saying. Imagine the separation of everyday people; now put yourself under a microscope like Christina and The Dream, it is inevitability hard.

I’ll take the opportunity to elaborate on this topic in a future posting, ..::When Love Goes Bad::.. Stay Tuned.

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What do you do?

Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy pursues girl. Viola, boy and girl dates. But what happens when that scenario is twisted or altered? What happens when we throw another person into the mix? What happens when: Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy pursues girl, but boy has someone else? The immediate answer is usually, “Walk away,” but in life things are not always that simple, are they? Imagine that you met someone that you feel could potentially be that perfect fit for you, a soul mate. They are so right that it boggles your mind that another person could even remotely fit the bill more than you. You try to walk away, but the more you resist, the more you are drawn in. What do you do?

For so long I thought the right answer was simple, and in theory it is. However, nothing in life is absolute. Just last night, I was watching the movie, “He’s Not That Into You” and I realized that in real life... everyday life, people live by rules. They believe in what is said to be the “right way” and that’s the line they try to walk. However, the movie also tells you about the “exception.” Everyone wants to believe that they are the “exception,” but… you aren’t. Although… that does not mean that the “exception” does not exist and what if YOU were that exception to the rule?

Now let’s be honest, no one EVER wants to admit that they would be the Alicia Keys in a situation, but does love hold boundaries? While I find it hard to believe that there is only one person out there for me, I do believe that my soul mates are rare. At the end of the day we all expect the best, we want the best, and when we feel we have found the best, we pursue the best. So I am going to be very candid when I say that it would be hard as hell for me to walk away, but would I? I would. And it is simple.

Trust in knowing that just as you have come across one, you will come across another. If things are meant to be, They. Will. Be., but under different circumstances. Strength does not come easily, but peace of mind and respect is worth the struggle.

Ooooh , don’t you just want to be bad sometimes?! Life.

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Love is Blind, or is it?

They say that love is blind because so many of us have trusted our heart to unworthy madness, but is love truly blind or is an individual misfortune? In a world full of options, i.e. people from various ethnicities, cultures and backgrounds; how is it fair to make such a bold accusation? I would like to go on record as saying that I do not believe love is blind. In fact, I see love as being clear and concise. It is infatuation and lust that blurs our vision and is mistaken for love. Perhaps the very reason there are so many broken hearts. People do not take their time to get to know one another before professing that they have found “the one.” In the end, they realize that they do not know this person they loved last week, but was taken by physical attributes; looks, sexual appeal, or sex itself.

When you truly love someone you know their heart. When you love someone you know what they are most likely to say before they say it. When you love someone, you understand their hardships and work to pull through them. When that love is tampered with, most likely trust and respect have been broken, but that does not equate to love being lost or blind. I think the reason so many people have accepted the quote “Love is Blind,” is because they have seen people go through massive heartache and pain all in the name of” love,” but in my eyes, that is perhaps the very reason love is visible. That is not to say that you should be a fool forever, but in a situation where love is true, you work things out. Anyone is liable to make a mistake, but it is how you make it right that counts.

But I know I still have readers that may disagree with me. “What about the circumstances where a woman, for example, stands by while her man goes out and constantly cheats on her or maybe he beats her, but she stays, etc? Certainly she is blinded by love!” Uh, no, because that is not love, that is a combination of manipulation and low self- esteem! Love is not one-sided. Love is a two-way street; both people have to be on board. You cannot think you are in love with someone that does not respect you, period.

So I ask again, is love really blind or have we confused ourselves? You be the judge.

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