Loving Two People At The Same Time

Although this may seem to be a cliche topic, I've always wondered what the consensus would be should I raise the question: Is it possible to love two people at the same time?  This is such a loaded question because there are several factors that go into play and since I am a woman, perhaps I should only speak from the perspective of a female.  With that being said, yes, I think it is possible to love more than one person at the same time.  But I'd venture to ask the more important question, is the love equal amongst both persons?  If so, are the circumstances similar enough to allow the separate  loves to somehow be measurable? Probably not, which is likely the reason we find ourselves in situations of loving two at the same time in the first place.  You see, each person offers different attributes that appeal to our wants and needs making them feel "necessary" to our personal growth.  But don't be fooled by infatuation.  Before going any further, you have to know that your loves are even worthy of your love.  Should you determine that to be the case, well... read on.

What do you do if you find yourself in this situation?  It starts with weighing the pros and cons of your relationship with each individual and truly tapping into your feelings for both of them. Is it just love or are you actually in love with one of them? Although you may have love for them, there is only one that will truly have your heart.
My advice would be to figure out who that person is before you potentially tarnish both relationships with the back and forth and again, you do that by trusting your heart and not your head.

At the end of the day, stay true to yourself.  Don't go for the "safe choice" or the one that looks good on paper because those things are superficial.  Only you know what is best for you and only you know who makes you feel your highest, purpose driven self.  With that person by your side, anything is possible. 

Love hard.

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Drama Free Life

Ladies, ever wonder why they call us "drama?"  Well, sad to say, but sometimes we are! LOL.  Now let me give this disclaimer up front; this is not to say men are without flaw (because we all know men, women... the human race is imperfect), but I am simply referring to what I know about my fellow women.

To fully understand, we have to take a trip down memory lane. From the time we were born, we were instilled with beliefs that was passed from generation to generation. Unbeknownst to us, we were absorbing the images we saw and holding onto the feelings we felt, good and bad.  Unconsciously this rendered us with beliefs on what we "wanted" or "did not want" for our lives.  Example, "I will never let a man talk to me like that,"  so you grew up believing you had to do the opposite of whatever your mother may have done when fighting with the male figure in her life, be it fighting physically or sometimes worst, with words.  The problem with this (and most any example I could think of) is it made us form invisible boundaries before we could even have true relationships of our own.  How is a lover suppose to embrace you fully if you have already guarded yourself from his love.  Furthermore, how are you suppose to trust if you are already ready for battle (i.e. failure)?  In other words, we have unintentionally began to chip away at our relationship before we have had a chance to bury the seed.

"But Heather, I'm open minded, I'm drama free... I don't confront anyone!" Well darn, sometimes that's even worse for a relationship.  There is a time and a place for uneasy conversations, but the fact that you don't express will leave a man feeling like you do not care. Never good!  They NEED to know you are for them and "in it" with them. This certainly doesn't mean you should be hostile or aggressive in your approach to address issues bothering you, but talking through situations allows growth within yourself and your relationship.  Most do not subscribe to this approach which unfortunately continues to forge a wedge in your relationship until it is ripped apart or severely broken. Most will fill their time with nagging and digging to try and validate whatever disagreement she is having with her beau.  But this is pointless.  First of all, do you even trust him?  If not, you should have already moved on, but if you do, isn't that enough to believe in? Now don't put your proverbial blinders on, but if you are in it together, truly, then let go of the drama because it is only imposing stress on all involved.  In fact, it is deepening your doubts of true love and happiness and it taking a toll on your personal growth, so a relationship... what relationship?  How can there be one if you don't even have a healthy one with "Team Y-O-U?"

The secret? Turn your doubts and frustration into celebration. Learn and love yourself.  Be whole before you allow another in.  Live fully and fulfilled you will be!  

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Hall Pass: Should I Allow Him to Cheat

Some of you may have read that title like, what?  But reality is, some women allow their men a pass to cheat on special occasions, like say, their birthday and they call it a Hall Pass.  What do you think about handing out a hall pass to your man?

Here's what I would have to say about it.  While I am not one to judge one's union, I feel that usually the hall pass is discriminatory.  As I explained above is normally allows the man to wander while you, the wife(y), sits at home waiting on him to finish up in the streets with some random.  How will that really make you feel when he's leaving the house to do heavens knows what with heaven knows whom?? Besides, that's just not fair in my book!  And while I am not one to claim women should have set the same parameters (in life) as a man, I am suggesting that something of this magnitude seems a bit one-sided.  If you're a man reading this article, ask yourself this, "why do I think I am the only one that might crave some variety?"  That in itself is part of the issue, wanting variety, wanting to scratch an itch, wanting to be greedy.  When you decide to settle down, shouldn't the taste for multiple flavors be greatly diminished? Otherwise, why are you settling? And that bit of desire that burns for adventure and excitement, shouldn't that be something that you and your significant other work to liven up together?

In Hollywood especially, we are beginning to hear a lot about the celebrities with open relationships and I must say, they seem to be working out "better" for them than traditional ones, but do we give persons in those type of roles different standards to live by?  I mean the average man isn't confronted with new challenges multiple times a day like the celebrity men are.  Also, an open relationship gives the hall pass to both parties, so it seems a bit more even keel, or does it?  Does it actually degrade the woman for even wanting someone outside of her beau? 

Personally, I think that when going into a relationship/ marriage, these things (much like a pre-nup) needs to be sorted through in the beginning.  Ultimately the decision is up to the both of you, but I urge you to think long and hard before you agree to a hall pass because once that door is opened, you cannot close it and once your heart and union is broken, your pass is as good as divorce papers.

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The Cheating Scale: Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

So I was reading a site that talked about this "cheating scale."  Psssssshhh... What in the world is a cheating scale?  Basically, the site is a designated "safe space" for women to talk to a man about their relationship issues, but I ask you again... what is a "cheating scale?"  According to the blog I read, it is the degree to which cheating is acceptable or tolerable I would say.

That makes me ask... is some cheating better than other cheating?  I'm so confused.

You see in my book, faithful is faithful and infidelity is infidelity.  I cannot outline the perimeters of another relationship, but what I will say is when you set those boundaries... THAT'S IT!  Ain't no cheating scale (please excuse my ebonics)!  Sheesh, people come up with the most ridiculous crap which serves only them when it is convenient for them.  Don't you despise that?

All I have to say to that is know what you are getting into when you date, propose, engage, or marry someone.  Again, I cannot say what is appropriate, acceptable, or tolerable
in your relationship, because while I may not care if my man watches porn, for example, you just might.  However, once you agree to those terms of the relationship (you, meaning both of you), don't let this fool slide by saying, "well, I only let her please me, I didn't touch her."

Ain't nobody got time for that!

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When In Doubt, Lie

Sounds bad to tell someone to lie right??? Hmmm... I'm not so sure. Let me explain.

Today I woke up with this story on my mind. I heard about this married woman who worked in the health care industry. Recently she had a male intern assigned to shadow her at the hospital where she did her daily routines. However, the woman realized she was compromising her marriage being that she was attracted to the handsome young intern and could tell he shared the same attraction. Being responsible, she had the intern moved to another wing of the hospital and resumed her work, alone.

Here's the part that bothers me; when she told her husband about the ordeal, her husband lost his mind. Sure, I can understand the fact that he was upset about her having such a strong attraction to another man, but it is unreasonable to think that our mates will NEVER find another person attractive. So, in this case, should she have omitted these details? I'm thinking so. Why should she have to endure the backlash of doing the right thing? I know a lot of you are probably saying that "you should always tell the truth," but let's be honest, should you... really... always?

If you notice, I said "omitted" above. Let's be clear... usually omissions are lies. Now I am not denying that they are useful sometimes (lol) and I am also not saying that an omission may merely be a slip of your mind, but... if you blatantly omit details in hopes of hiding or masking the truth, that, my dear, is a lie. In the scenario above, I respect her truth, but if it were me, I'd be apprehensive about ever telling my hubby the truth about situations like this. No one wants slack for doing the right thing.

Moral of the story, don't be so quick to jump down your partners throat when they tell you the truth about their life, issues and obstacles. Think it out. And if you are the one divulging the information, think twice before you do so. When in doubt... lie! *shrugs shoulders*

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Will He Like My Naked Body?

The thought of getting undressed, lying beside him, touching and caressing his chest, and kissing his full lips... it all sounds so good to a woman on the verge of getting "busy" until... wait... "I gotta get naked??" Most women have had these insecurities at some point, be it about stretch marks or big nips (lol). I think a million and one questions cross our minds in the mist of getting down and dirty even when we have nothing to worry about.

"Will he like my bra?"

"Does my thighs look fat?"

"I wonder if my cellulite is showing?"

The fact of the matter is, there isn't much that a man notices in "the moment." What he sees is a beautiful, bare naked woman in front of him. Most guys can probably hardly believe it, let alone pay attention to the tattoo you should not have got when you were 17 . This isn't to say that the anxieties you feel are invalid; but more to reassure you that while you may have some things to physically work on, don't allow your insecurities to destroy this special moment.

We, women, need to feel comfortable in our environment and in our skin, right!?  So ladies, you should know that a man is in awe of you and your body. Don't worry about your insignificant flaws, confidence is key. If you are confident in your skin, you will shine baby. Why do you think some of the seemingly most unattractive women end up with amazingly handsome men? Confidence.

Besides, if it makes you feel any better, know that men have issues too. Do not think that they are 100% confident in themselves at all times. They too, have concerns. Nevertheless, those worries diminish at the sight of... you guessed it... YOU!

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First Date Advice

How many of us have been on a first date, be it through online dating sites or the old fashion way? *raises hand* Yea, just what I thought.... every last one of us. When it comes to first dates, there proper ways of divulging information, but better yet, is it necessary to even go there?

I find it difficult to predict the tone of a first date. Some first dates leave you feeling confused, others will have your head in the clouds... and some, well... they just suck ass. For those of us who have had a sucky first date, you can probably agree with me of some of the first date no-no's:

1. Don't take yourself too serious. Come on, get over yourself. No one goes on a date to be interviewed or judged. Just laugh, talk, and have a good time.
2. Don't talk about children, your children. Now don't go yelling at the computer screen, I am not saying that you cannot mention your children, in fact, I definitely receommend you tell your date that you have kids. But what I am saying is that you do not need to go into details. I am sorry, but people do not want to hear about your daycare bills and baby mama drama on the first date.
3. Don't talk excessively. I must admit, I am kind of guilty of this. Once you get me going, I can take a conversation and run with it, but it is a terrible idea to talk excessively on the first date. You should be getting to know one another. If one person dominates, the other person will get bored or feel like you're self-absorbed.
4. Don't be on your cell phone too much. "Hello jerkoff, I am sitting here waiting to talk to you!" Please don't take too much time looking at Instagram or updating your Facebook status... the date is about 2 people, not your whole social network. Who cares what your friends are doing, you have "opportunities" sitting in front of you.
5. Don't talk about your Ex. Your ex is your ex for a reason so do NOT talk about your ex on a first date, or period unless asked. That's total bull that you would think it is alright to carry on a conversation about how good or bad he/she was. "I don't care and I was hoping you didn't either." Do this and you are probably almost certainly not going to get a second date.

Read these steps thoroughly and I am sure your first date will go just fine, in fact, you may even get that kiss you want!

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