It's Complicated

Ahhhh... dating!  Where do I start?  Better yet, "when do I stop?"  Over the last few years I have had opportunities to date some very beautiful men, and I don't mean in the sense of build, height, perfectly structured cheekbones and pearly white teeth; but figuratively, beautiful people, souls.. beings.  It seems that every time my relationship turns from causal to serious, I press pause.  I am somehow distracted by nonsense, "he's just too nice" (who says that anyway), "look at his long arms", or "ewww, does he really like that stupid music?"

Excuses.

Don't get me wrong, there are those I have met that are friggin' jerks.  There are always those.  You know the type, "I am going to make you let your guard down for me", "allow me in to help you open up", "I would never hurt you."  Bullshit.  And I say that with the mildest sense of frustration and animosity because despite popular belief, I am not one of those "angry women."  In fact, I've come to realize that the blame for this dilemma lies with me, not men.  I have attracted this mess of a scenario.  Yes, perhaps he didn't have to feed into my desperate "last" attempt at finding the whole package, but if I hadn't jumped out there so eager to "upgrade" this option would have never presented itself.  What's an upgrade anyway?  Who said one is greater than another? No such thing.  Still, I can't help but asking, why this cycle in my life... again?  Why can't the beautiful men incorporate some of the ju-ju that the jerks embody?  Why can't the perfect match be that simple? Oh because then... then I'd have the perfect package, right? Wrong! Truth is I'd find a way to make the perfect package a beautiful bore or jackass of a jerk. Don't we always?!

Confusion.

I swear growing up I never imagined dating would turn into the Hunger Games.  It is like survival of the fittest and boy have I learned to armor myself with "strong," but I don't want to have to put up a guard anymore.  For once, I'd like to genuinely share my wholehearted happiness, my bottom of the barrel sorrow, my universal excitement, my finicky anxiety, and my glowing essence, with someone who feels as deeply for me as I do him.  How do I shed my shield and allow happy to find me instead of me resisting it?  Surely not all of my beautiful men can be so bad!  There's a saying that goes something like, "When the problem keeps persisting, look at the common denominator."  Well, I guess that'd be me.  But does that mean I am flawed?  Is this part of the process of life and love?  If this is part of the process, why do some people figure it out long before others?

I've come to realize that the answer is simple; change your mind instead of trying to change the man. No one is perfect, but there's someone who will be perfect for you, for me, if we simply allow them to be. Give it a try! I know I am.

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Did You Say BJ?

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The 80/20 Rule

Tyler Perry’s “Why Did I Get Married,” brought awareness to the 80/20 Rule, but it has always been around. Have you ever really thought about it yourself? With so many marriages ending in divorce nowadays, it has become a habit of mine to investigate the causes, so I explored the 80/20 Rule. I am not married yet, but in my perfect little world, I will only be walking down the aisle once. What about you?

For those who do not know about the 80/20 Rule, let me give you a brief education. The 80/20 Rule is a way that some analyze relationships. The 80 represents the 80% of respect, loyalty, excitement, necessities, etc., that we get in a healthy relationship. The 20, however, is the 20% we feel is missing. Usually, when you find a good partner and commit to a healthy relationship, he or she will have at least 80% of what you want and need. On the other hand, the things that are missing (the 20%), the sexy 6 pack abs, the sexy high heel collection, the freaky pillow talk, for example, are sometimes missing in our relationships, but possessed by other individuals. In my opinion this gives partners a false sense of wholeness from another man or woman outside of your relationship, which is why it can and does lead to cheating, in some cases. People are beyond misled by the appeal and newness of the next person and deluded to believe that “Ms. New Booty” has it ALL simply because she can fill a void at the moment that you are feeling vulnerable.

Why?

It is simple, we are programmed (or spoiled I should say), to have our way and get the things we want, need, and desire whenever we so choose. When two people come together in a relationship, you have to understand that sometimes those requirements are compromised due to the consideration of your partner. It is the “selfish person” that always wants what he or she doesn’t have; they taint the formula and infidelity is introduced into the relationship. Now understand that infidelity is not limited to sex, it can be inappropriate flirting, emotional stimulation, as well as sexual encounters. Whatever the degree of cheating, the point is, the 20% is found elsewhere. But as the saying goes, “all that glitters ain’t gold!” Sure that woman looks good, but does she know how to run a company like your wife, or cook like your girlfriend, or make you smile like your husband? Is that man at the gym worth the trouble of you losing your relationship because you wanted a back rub? Think about it.

While you’re sitting beside your “80” tonight, be thankful for them. Think of ways to make that “80,” a “100.” Don’t forget to look at yourself, because we can all stand to improve in some area of our life. Keep reading AskHeatherG, I’ll upgrade you!

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What's Your Body Count

So here is a touchy topic that most women despise talking about, in truthfulness anyway, but let’s talk about it. It sparked my interest to write about this when I saw the advertisement for the movie, “What’s Your Number,” starring Anna Faris. What is the obsession with numbers? Now fellas, I am certainly not condoning women to go out and sell themselves short for the sake of women empowerment or power to the “P.” I mean, let’s be honest ladies, we are not made like a man! However, I am saying that some of you need to stop with the “oh, I have only been with four people, you’ll be my fifth,” crap. It is LIES! Yes, it sounds good, but men are not believing that BS. They only go along with it because they are afraid to know the truth.

Here is where the confusion comes in though. Since most men do not believe the number, they seem to always double it, SO… I wonder if telling half the truth is a brilliant idea. Sure the truth is seemingly the best way to go, but if I say 8 and you double that to 16… well, we have a problem. So I see why women lie, but let’s start being truthful!

Is the truth so bad anyway? Look at it this way, if you enter into a relationship halfway through your sexual exploration, will you truly be content or will you always look over your shoulder regretting not playing around a little more before settling down? Just a thought. Sure this thought process does not ring true for every woman, but for those who have ventured a bit, would it be safe to say when you find love you will recognize it and hold onto it because of past trials and let downs? Let me state my disclaimer; I am not advising women to go out and sleep around, I am simply raising a question. If you are content with yourself (regardless the number) this article is meaningless to you. However, I want woman to not be ashamed of a little experience. I agree that there are CERTAINLY some hoes out here, but much like my “classy vs. slutty” post, a hoe, a slut, or any variation of the word, is mostly determined by the way you carry yourself, not your number.

So here is my message: You know whether you have gone too far, done too much, or are out of control… STOP IT! However, for those who are simply good women that may have had a couple more experiences; evaluate yourself, what you want, and where you are going. If you like it, I love it!

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Open Your Mouth

I’ve come to realize that a closed mouth doesn’t get fed, so to speak. That’s true in most every aspect of life, be it business, love, or a friendship (but of course I’m referring to the love life). People are not mind readers, nor are we meant to be. Bottom line; if you want something, ask. If you do not like something, tell. If you love something, speak (whispers preferred.. lol). Seriously, I think that the issues most of us have nowadays, is that we get into situations so fast, but do not think about the consequences or the end results. TRUST ME, if you did, you would save yourself a lot of time and heartache.

You know it is always required of me that I play devil’s advocate, so here it is. Yes… even “I” have fell into that stigma of being “wrapped up in the moment.” But, it isn’t always a bad thing to go for what you feel in that moment because there are rare occurrences where things, people, and feelings are mutually understood without verbal confirmations being necessary. However, in my experience, even when you feel that those vibes are on point, there’s still the chance that you are on one level while he maybe on another. The result… devastation.

The time that it takes to sit down and have a light-hearted, but thorough, conversation is far more valuable than leaving loose ends and unanswered questions. While you’re thinking that you’re about to be the wife, he’s thinking you’re merely company for that night (it’s true)! Just remember that what you want at the moment; be it sex, material things, simple companionship… whatever… is less obtainable if the overall vision is blurred. So be patient, be particular, and in Lehman’s terms, Open Your Mouth!

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Is It Better To Know How Many Sex Partners He's Had

To know or not to know, that is the question! So I ask, do we (ladies) really want to know who our ‘John’ slept with 3 years ago? Perceptibly, you may want to know where your man has been and who he once loved, liked or took interest in, but how important is it to know who our partners once ‘shagged’?

I’ll be honest, at one point I wanted to know all about my partner’s past. It was more of an ego thing, I suppose. I didn’t want any woman to be able to look at me and say that she had my man without me already knowing it; I would be hip her side eyes and snide whispers to her unforgiving girlfriends . Ultimately, I’d somehow hold the upper hand and be in control of the situation. But would I really? I mean, after all, she already had him. Do I really win by merely knowing their history, or would I be better off not knowing anything? After running this image through my head over and over, I changed my views about this. If a woman is my man’s past, why does she matter to me… his future?

Sometimes, we as women take too much time investigating irrelevant women of our man’s past and when we find things, we get upset and question them. It is unnecessary! Maybe WE are causing our own insecurities. If the past is past, leave it there! Besides, is it likely that OUR slate is so squeaky clean that we can pass judgment on our beau? Why is it that we want to be in the know about all the things our man once did, but at the same time, we want to conceal our own dirty laundry? If you are going to open that can of worms, be sure that you can handle the cost of knowing…. or worse, the cost of sharing your own little secrets. Tisk Tisk.

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Drunken Hot Girl

Saturday evening, sitting on the pier in the District of Columbia with the wind blowing through your hair, light sprinkle from the waterfront misting your cheeks, and subtle sounds of city cars in the background, can sometimes have an arousing effect on a single woman with an open mind… take that woman and multiply her by 3 and you have a full fledge conversation with no limitations. Much like Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte of Sex in the City, we too have our tales, but what about the rest of you? I know we all have something to tell. So what if we talk about the infamous sex after dark. You know what encounter I am referring to… the one that happen after 3 drinks and a cab ride home. So I ask, is sex better while under the influence of alcohol?

After my girls and I had our conversation, I came to realize that more of us practice this than we care to admit. You walk out of the club feeling free and liberated. The only thought on your mind, “I’m going to work him out!” But is it really that the sex is that good after consumption of vodka martinis and shots of Patron OR is it the fact that we have no inhibitions? While intoxicated, you let it all hang out (literally), you do all the things that you would normally be too afraid to even attempt. So, are we hiding behind drunken excuses as a way to share our inner freak? Hmmmm… I wanted to back my suspicions with some statistics and this is what I found: Did you know that 1 out of 20 women between the ages of 18 and 50 have NEVER had sex sober? Wow! That’s almost scary. I believe that these women are either afraid to be themselves, or they have practiced sex like this for so long that it is the only way they know how to do it. What do you do when you know no other way?

While drunken sex can be fun, daring and exciting, sober sex is real, intimate and worth the uncomfortable beginnings. My advice to anyone that may fall into this category would be to try sober sex. It can be daunting at first, especially if you have never had the pleasure to experience it in a sober state of mind, but it will allow you to release your insecurities and embrace your body and ability. You will come to a place that permits you to be free and confident in yourself and that alone, is worth the try. Good Luck!

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Men, Respect & Sex

Ladies, I am going to let you in on a little secret… some men are awful, just awful...

What the hell is wrong with them? LOL… I love/hate them to death, but I swear men are so confusing... or maybe they're just that simple??? So let me see how I can go deep without getting heavy. Let’s talk about 2 major topics, Respect and Sex!

Respect: Men, what does it take for you to give a woman respect? Ok, the obvious response is, “to get respect you have to give it,” but what else does it require? Speaking from a woman’s perspective, I know that we like to be pampered and catered to, but doing those things for us does not equate to respect necessarily. Do men understand this? Do men think that because they can buy us dinner and material possessions that they are showing respect? Overall, I have had good experiences with dating. I feel I have been treated with respect and that I still have my dignity at the end of the evening. On the rare occasion that I felt otherwise, that man knew it long before he had a chance to make it right. However, I just need to know what goes on in the mind of men who feel that a woman is not worthy of respect. Help me to understand this! I must say that not all men are disrespectful (obviously), just as, not all women are worthy of respect, but is it because of some women being less than ladies, the reason men dispose of deserving women so easily?

Sex: Most of us have heard of Steve Harvey's book entitled, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. The one thing that really stood out in my mind was the fact that Steve actually put a specific number on the minimum amount of days a woman should wait before sleeping with a man… that number was 90 (3 months). I am neutral on this specific issue. I see the thought behind the waiting period. Women, we should know a man before we jump into bed with him... period, but is the magic number 90 days? I totally agree with the idea of knowing what you’re getting yourself into. However, what about the women who spend endless amounts of time with a man in a short time span? Does she use the same rules as a woman who may only see a man once a week? And what about a woman who may have known a man for years from afar, but only a mere couple of days intimately, does she wait? Could there really be a formula that fits the masses, 90 days, no exceptions? And say we all begin to wait 90 days, then what? Will men really respect you more JUST because you waited? Should there be a specific number on the amount of days a woman waits before a she goes there with a man she finds to be significant?

My advice on respect is to accept nothing less than you are worthy of. My advice on sex is to get to know a man before you lay down with him. It seems simple enough, but is it? Think with your brain in order to save yourself humiliation and hurt feelings! It is really that simple!

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Never Give Your Power Away

What does it mean to lose control? To me, it is losing the upper hand in a situation due to lack of planning, thinking and giving in to your body. So, where am I going with this? I'll tell you. Have you ever been in a situation where you found someone you liked... so much so that you could see them in your BIG picture? At first, everything is rolling down Easy Street... he is into you and you are into him. Picture this: dates on a Tuesdays, text messages for no reason at all, your pulsing heart beat just at the thought of him. Face it girl, you got it bad! BUT... somewhere along the line, you lost your leverage... what happened?

Never lose control ladies! I am referring to those of you who may have given into what your body tells you to do versus what you know is right... in Layman's terms, you slept with him. You ignored all the "nos" your brain sent you and now you're stuck. Problem is, you thought that sex would make you closer... that somehow, he would find you irresistible and want you around. How wrong you were! If you hadn't set a precedence from the beginning, you lost your footage because, in his mind, you have now been conquered. Besides, if you gave into him, what makes him think that you haven't given into other men too soon? Ugh, I hate to say it, but he is right. If the tables were turned, I'd probably feel the same way.

I have received some feedback on previous posts that suggested that I have not looked at the situation from both perspectives. Trust me, I ALWAYS do; and while I am not saying that there are never occasions that you sleep with a man and he continues to dig you, it does not happen often. Think about it... if you give in before he really knows you, why would he care? To some men, women come a dime a dozen, what made you different? NOTHING! I don't want this to sound harsh, I just want my ladies to be empowered, to understand a man before she hands her power over to someone not worthy of it.

My advice, be careful! Every situation is different, but make sure you know what you are getting yourself into before it is too late. Although some women claim to just want a fling, sex buddy, etc.; it is not likely that you will not feel some sort of attachment. Can you handle it if things do not go the way you expect it to go?

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